So Super Mario Odyssey came out this week, more on that some other time. We’re concerned with more pressing matters here. In case you’ve been living a sad joyless life under a rock and haven’t heard yet Mario Odyssey is basically a game about hats. Lots and lots of hats. But the most important hats are not anything Bowser or Mario are wearing, it’s not Mario’s new pal Cappy – it’s the wide variety of hats the Goombas wear in the game. Goombas have suddenly developed a fashion sense. No longer identical fodder for the sole of Mario’s shoe (well Mario still crushes them with reckless abandon as they waddle helplessly toward him), now they’re individuals – they’re their own Goombas now.
So without further ado, these are the five absolute best Goomba hats in Super Mario Odyssey.
(and obviously there are pictures of Goombas wearing hats below and if you’d rather not see them for spoiler reasons run for your life now (that means exit the tab))
Mario Hat Goomba
On the surface this may seem like every other Goomba, except this one happens to be wearing a Mario hat. Well you have been fooled. If you look closely this Goomba has a mustache. This is actually Mario. Nice try Mario. You may have forcefully stolen the body of a Goomba, forced it against its peers and then disposed of it after but you’re still Mario you sociopath – and you have no place on this list.
Oh hey, look at those cool Goombas forming a tower. And hey! They’re wearing a Mario ha…WAIT A MINUTE! That’s just Mario again. Nearly had me that time…
Does this count as cultural appropriation?
Chef Hat Goomba
If he made mushroom soup, would that be cannibalism?
Cowboy Hat Goomba
Pew pew. Ready for a game of Quick Draw in 1-2 Switch.
5. Pirate Hat Goomba
“Yar! This is the tale of Captain Pirate Goomba, pirate so brave on the seven seas! I actually can’t swim and poof into smoke the second I touch water but that’s what I have a boat for. I don’t actually have a boat, I just wear this hat to make me look tough and fit in in front of Mario. Maybe if he likes it he won’t heartlessly murder me at the slightest provocation – like ambling toward him at extremely slow speeds.”
4. Construction Hat Goomba
Aha! This fella put his thinking cap on (figuratively not literally, as you can see he’s clearly wearing a construction hat – unless he has another smaller hat underneath, hatception if you will). What better way to avoid being stomped on than a hard hat! It’ll protect from indiscriminate slaughter. Clever Goomba.
3. Wedding Veil Goomba
Who do these Goombas plan to marry? Why does one look so angry at the other? Do Goombas feel happiness? Are they wearing the veil just because they think it looks cool? Who knows? These are the important questions of the Mario lore that will be answered in my upcoming Romantic Comedy Goombas in Seattle. No, Gombas Got Mail. Hmmm. 10 Things Goombas Hate About Mario? The Princess Goomba? When Goomba Met Goomba? Ahhh, it’s a working title for now.
2. Top Hat Goomba
This Goomba (Paragoomba if we’re being technical about things, because this badass can fly) takes his job seriously. Some Goombas wear sombreros to work, others wear nothing at all – this Goomba brings class to his patrols. He’s got a top hat. I wonder what a Goomba in a suit would be like? That seems the natural next step here – a lovely tuxedo to match the wonderful hat. But Goomba’s have such tiny bodies it may not make sense. Plus Mario would probably mess it up anyway when he comes sauntering in like the death machine that he is. Maybe a bow tie instead? Yeah, a bow tie would really bring this whole ensemble together.
1. Santa Hat Goomba
Look, it’s nearly November so this bad boy is seasonal and there is literally no world where a Goomba wearing a Santa hat won’t absolutely delight me. Look at it. LOOK AT IT! He’s so festive and
angry jolly! I wish all Mario enemies would be this seasonal. Wigglers as tinsel. Lakitu as the angel on top of the tree. Birdo ornaments. Wario stealing presents from under the tree while farting and dressed as the Grinch. Pirahna Plants as lights on the Christmas tree (once they don’t spit fire, trees and fire don’t go together). I hope this starts that trend.
So there you have it, the top five Goomba hats in Super Mario Odyssey. Agree? Disagree? It doesn’t matter. This list is definitive. And mine. Go make your own list. And then tweet it at me @garrettkidney!